We have a new metal detector. It's a doorframe type and it's very high-tech. It has a digital camera perched on top to take a picture of every person who walks through. It's attached to a laptop so it can display the picture immediately. If you're carrying something you shouldn't have a tiny little pointing hand icon pops up on the computer monitor to point to the place that the officer is supposed to search (apparently they think correctional officer training doesn't qualify one to figure that out). But the best thing about this new metal detector is that it talks.
Truly, I'm not kidding. When it's unhappy it blurts out "Warning! Warning!" in a voice identical to---I mean exactly like---the robot from Lost In Space. Every employee over a certain age breaks out laughing when they hear that voice. I think someone from the television industry gets paid a royalty every time it goes off.
The other interesting thing about the metal detector is that it's triggered by underwire bras. Yes, you are imagining this correctly---the little digitized finger is pointing out...um...non-contraband on occasional female employees. Ya just gotta love this place.
So now in addition to the doorframe detector all employees are also required to get a pat-down frisk. (Don't worry, the females are patted by female officers.) Just another unintended consequence of technology. I'm hoping soon they invent that electric bra.
By the way, for only $24,000 you can buy an exact replica of the Lost In Space robot here.